I had a dream the other night about how we only get #OneL1fe. It came to me in my time of need, after what felt like years of hell. To understand my mission, you must first understand my story. This is the first time I am sharing this dream, and it is something that is very personal to me. My story begins where it left off.
This dream has always been present and has always been on my mind. This is because it has been recurring night after night for many years. This dream always begins the same way:
I am in my car driving to a funeral, but I am not sure who the funeral is for. As I arrive at the funeral home, I am shown a bird’s eye view of the largest building I have ever seen. It is even larger than most towns! I park my car and go into the building through a side door. At this point I notice that there are no other doors, or even windows. I enter and am faced with a hallway that is so long I cannot even see the end. As I turn, I realize that I am also unable to see the beginning. Then I notice a stone wall in front of me. I see that there is an arrow spray painted on the wall, along with the words “THIS WAY” written with the same spray paint. I get a gut feeling that this is not the correct direction to travel, so I end up walking in the opposite direction. The dream starts to feel like hours have passed, along with an extremely intense feeling of “nothingness.” I was not thinking, I was not breathing, and I did not feel any emotions. I just felt like I was absently walking. After what seems like hours, I arrive at a door that has a framed photo of myself nailed on the door. Written underneath the framed photo are the words “Ryan Michaels – Born on April 1, 1994 and Died on April 1, 2016.”
Then I enter an extremely large room. On the opposite side of the room is your standard casket surrounded by flowers, which in this case was red roses. I walk over to the casket, kneel in front of it, and then look down at myself. I rest my hand on my own hand. My body feels warm to touch, and then I notice that I am actually breathing. A few minutes later, a gentleman comes over and taps me on my shoulder. He kindly tells me in an oddly familiar voice that he is very sorry for my loss, and that the wake is over. I turn around and see a large grandfather clock that shows the time as 7:07. I also notice that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of chairs behind me. Every chair is empty. It was at this point that I realize nobody came to see me to pay their respects. I became so overwhelmed with sadness and anger that I run to the bathroom. Once I am in the bathroom, I splash some cold water on my face. I look up in the mirror but see there is no reflection there. At this point I start to feel the same “nothingness” feeling again that I felt when I was in the hallway. This is where the dream ends, and my story begins.
What most people do not know about me is that I have struggled with depression and anger for many years. In many cases, my depression has been expressed with anger. These circumstances have pushed a lot of people out of my life, which end up making me feel very alone. I ended up pushing away the most important person in my life because of these flaws. That loss will be something that I will never completely heal from. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes I feel like there is never enough time in this life. I believe that this recurring dream symbolizes my biggest fear, but also the connections that I had with my grandfather and my aunt before they passed away.
If you have experienced a recurring dream and would like to share it, please post your experience!